In the past three years, I have to go through different phases and adjustments to cope from a very, very, bad and failed relationship.
(Will not expound on that as I have written too much about it already.)
And the past three years was not easy. At the time where most of the people my age (well, most that I know of) are starting to build relationships, constantly dating or at some extent, others opted to have friends with benefits, I was working all day long, not knowing when the day and night begins and end. Caffeine fueled and anger induced passion was flowing in my veins like a steady stream. And I was unstoppable. I slept only when my eyes closed at their own accord. Until my family can no longer keep their silence.
In one of those usual family affair, my aunt pulled me at the side and hugged me tight for no apparent reason. Then she said “Have you forgiven yourself yet? Do you trust yourself that you will not make the same mistake again?” I was not able to answer. She smiled and held my hand, and asked me to sit down at a corner where I can see almost every member of our big clan. “You see those people, love? They all care for you. They all love you. They all want you to be really happy.” I looked down and mumbled “I am happy, Tita.” But she held my chin and said “No love, you are not. You keep on refusing to deal with the lessons of the past. You are starting to be successful, but that success is not motivated by happiness. That is fueled by anger and revenge. You have to stop that bhe. You have to learn how to trust people again.” I looked at her and smiled “What if I got hurt again?”, doubt and fear lacing my voice. She hugged me tight and said ” I cannot assure you that you will not get hurt again. But getting hurt is part of loving, love. It’s part of growing. It’s part of becoming who you really are. But we will always be here for you.”
Yes, I still have plenty of trust issues when it comes to relationship. I get jealous every now and then. I got crazy at times. But I’m enjoying the feeling of allowing people in my life again. It makes me feel alive.
Yes, trust will always be a top consideration in whatever relationship I had – family, frienship, romantic, and any other forms of relationship. But unlike before where a huge wall is between me and the world, I had entrusted my world to the Lord and He has shaken that wall off.
In time, I will trust humanity fully again.