Archive | November 2013

Trust

In the past three years, I have to go through different phases and adjustments to cope from a very, very, bad and failed relationship. 

(Will not expound on that as I have written too much about it already.)

And the past three years was not easy. At the time where most of the people my age (well, most that I know of) are starting to build relationships, constantly dating or at some extent, others opted to have friends with benefits, I was working all day long, not knowing when the day and night begins and end. Caffeine fueled and anger induced passion was flowing in my veins like a steady stream. And I was unstoppable. I slept only when my eyes closed at their own accord. Until my family can no longer keep their silence. 

In one of those usual family affair, my aunt pulled me at the side and hugged me tight for no apparent reason. Then she said “Have you forgiven yourself yet? Do you trust yourself that you will not make the same mistake again?” I was not able to answer. She smiled and held my hand, and asked me to sit down at a corner where I can see almost every member of our big clan. “You see those people, love? They all care for you. They all love you. They all want you to be really happy.” I looked down and mumbled “I am happy, Tita.” But she held my chin and said “No love, you are not. You keep on refusing to deal with the lessons of the past. You are starting to be successful, but that success is not motivated by happiness. That is fueled by anger and revenge. You have to stop that bhe. You have to learn how to trust people again.” I looked at her and smiled “What if I got hurt again?”, doubt and fear lacing my voice. She hugged me tight and said ” I cannot assure you that you will not get hurt again. But getting hurt is part of loving, love. It’s part of growing. It’s part of becoming who you really are. But we will always be here for you.”

Yes, I still have plenty of trust issues when it comes to relationship. I get jealous every now and then. I got crazy at times. But I’m enjoying the feeling of allowing people in my life again. It makes me feel alive.

Yes, trust will always be a top consideration in whatever relationship I had – family, frienship, romantic, and any other forms of relationship. But unlike before where a huge wall is between me and the world, I had entrusted my world to the Lord and He has shaken that wall off.

In time, I will trust humanity fully again.

Lessons from Yolanda

As the heavy rain and wind battered the entire Philippines last November 8, 2013, I was at the office, submerged in plenty of paper works, I can barely breathe normally. My sister and cousins kept on messaging me, updating me of their situation in the Province of Aklan. Early morning, they said that only strong wind is being felt there and there were no rain yet. Mid-morning, that’s when the rain poured, they say. At around noon, I received a message from Mommy, informing me that our roof had been blown away by the storm. And my heart was crushed. Not because of just the roof, but at that very moment, I wished I was there with them. 

I was never the type of person to show my grief in public. Anger and joy, that I share with everybody. But not grief and pain. I kept on rereading my Mom’s message and emotions washed over me. First, thankfulness and relief in the knowledge that they are safe still. Next came the painful thought that we have to rebuild our house again. That structure which me and my Dad had earnestly worked hard to built last year. It meant a lot to us. It signified the fulfillment of my dream to find a good-paying job and a successful career. We were able to renovate that house as a family – my Mom and I’s financial investment, my Dad’s design and my sibling’s whim. And it was blown away just like that. As the hours passed by and the day draws to an end, the more painful it was to think about it. The thought of “we have to start all over again” kept flashing on my mind. Sleep was elusive that Friday night. 

The next day, I prayed so hard to have the strength to talk to my folks. I know how attached they were to our house. So, I gathered every bit of strength I could and dialed my Mom’s number. Relief washed over me when I heard their voice and it was ironic that it was them comforting me instead of me comforting them. Again, my folks had shown me great strength of character and determination. My Dad kept on saying, it’ll be okay love. Don’t think too much about it. But what my sister said struck me the most. ” Sis, we are still blessed. We’re all safe. We still have each other. We might loose this house, but we will never loose our home.”

And that’s when I decided to exhaust all means that I have in helping the survivors of Yolanda (International name : Haiyan). I am blessed because my family survived that storm. And I want to share that blessedness to those who were not as blessed as I. 

I know that plenty more of storms will come, but as long as God holds us in His hands, we will be still and safe.

God bless everyone. Rise up, Philippines. Bangon Pilipinas.