It never occurred to me that I will get tired of loving him. But now I know I do.
I got tired waiting for him – to say something, to decide, to make things clear.
So I’m giving my heart a break. I know that my feelings will not go. But my focus and attention, I will do my best to veer away from him. I will. I must.
Because all this waiting is sapping every ounce of emotional strength in me. I know that God has a perfect timing for everything and that, sometimes, God didn’t give us what we want but what we deserve.
But right now, my human heart is at its lowest point. All these gray areas between the two of us aren’t doing me any good.
Does he really care? I don’t know. He never tells and I don’t want to rely on my assumptions and expectations. It had failed and hurt me before, better be cautious now then.
Do I even matter to him? I don’t know. Those text messages and movie trips may mean something or it may not mean anything at all.
I’m just tired. And right now, I just want the comfort of God, to feel His never ending assurance that I am alone, that He is with me.
I just need to someone to hold my hand tight and tell me that everything will be fine.
Most of all, I just want a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows, be in my most comfortable lounging clothes and tucked up in for hours and cry all these misery away.
You see, this is really complicated stuff.
I never wanted to like him. I was happy in my simple quiet life – a good job, a happy family and a ministry that helps me grow deeper in Christ.
And then he came along.
We go through the basics – the getting to know you, the we text each other, the we talk about our everyday life, and then those things that complicate it – I am not your boyfriend but I act like one.
Why everything does have to be complicated? – Like this post for example.
So, I will stop thinking of him from this day on. I will stop waiting for his text messages. I will stop checking my Facebook account every five hours just to see if he liked my status or not. And maybe, just maybe, I will pray without ceasing that if this is not His will, He will take this feeling away. If it His will, may He guide me to be still and wait for His time.